Pain in the Rear!

by Matt

Okay! I have never actually written this story down. To me it is not funny. So why am I going to share it with you?

Simply because every time SOMEONE ELSE tells my story the listeners laugh so hard they cry. My brother-in-law tells it best. He can get people rolling on the floor! It is actually an embarrassing, incredible story - so I will attempt it now.

I don't have any pictures, everyone was too busy to think of taking a picture - so use your imagination.

First of all, I lived in a small town and occasionally we amused ourselves by target shooting . Many of our friends lived on ranches and were bothered by pesky coyotes.

This one day, my older brother and my brother-in-law and I all accepted the invitation of one of our friends to come out to his ranch and hunt coyotes.

We spent a dusty afternoon driving around the ranch in an old pick up truck, hanging out the windows and looking for prey. But to no avail.

Finally, a coyote ran across the road about 400 yards in front of us and went out of sight. I jumped out of the truck and went over the hill and shot at him even though he was way out there.

To my surprise, he went down. When my brothers heard the shot they drove to the top of the hill. By that time I had run down into the valley where the coyote was, checked to be sure he was dead, and then proudly held him up for my brothers to see.

I grabbed the coyote by the tail, and slung it over my shoulder so that its body was hanging down my back and it head flopping near the top of my legs - you get the picture. And you can probably guess what is coming next.

About half-way up the hill, the coyote, who wasn't dead after all, but only unconsciousness, woke up and found his current position entirely unsatisfactory for his likes. He decided the best way to get out of the predicament was to take a large bite out of my inner leg.

Being extremely painful, I yelled, Get it Off! Get it Off! While holding my gun in one hand, with the other hand, I attempted to hold his body out from my body by stretching my arm out as far as it would go while still holding his tail.

My brother, seeing the coyote latched to my inner leg, ran at full speed toward me and yelled, "Spread your legs." So I did and he kicked the coyote in the head in an attempt to dislodge it.

It didn't work! But the coyote growled, showed his teeth, and chomped down harder.

In my mind I thought maybe he could shoot it off. My brother asked what he should do and I said, "Shoot It Off - Here's my gun!"

Okay, well remember, I have a coyote attached to me so I am not really stable - but I try to hand him my gun - not noticing that it was barrel out. And my brother was trying to take it from me, but he was dodging the barrel so HE didn't get shot.

When he got the gun he told me to spread my legs. Well - they were spread - I had a coyotes head between them, but he told me to spread them wider. This was difficult as I was still holding the coyote out from my body with my arm stretched up in the air, but I tried.

By now my brother-in-law was beside me, too, and was yelling at my brother to aim carefully to preserve my manhood. That was a new thought.

To make his aim accurate while I was dancing around with a coyote draped over me and attached tightly to me, he had to get very close. Then he shot.

Because of the proximity - that coyote lost its head - literally. Luckily - I didn't lose anything!

The emergency room at the hospital was the next stop. And of course, no one could hear my sad story without laughing out loud.

So when a wild animal bites you it is standard procedure to check for rabies and this requires testing of the brain. In this case - there was no brain because there was no head!!

You know what that means? That means that I had to have rabies shots. Oh, pain! How can people get a laugh out of my pain? And can this get any better?

Of course! I always heard that they gave rabies shots in the stomach, but to my surprise they give them in the nice fleshy area of the rear. To add insult to injury, the nurse - short and chubby - told me to drop my pants and said, raising her eyebrows a couple of times said, "Ooooh! An athlete!"

Well, that is the story. Tell the truth - Did YOU think this was funny?

Comments for Pain in the Rear!

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Mar 03, 2017
Wild coyote NEW
by: Anonymous

Oh my, your wild coyote story is so painful it's funny. You obviously have a good sense of humor since you are willing to share your story. Sorry to hear about rabies shots though

Aug 06, 2015
by: Anonymous

I didnt find it that funny, sounds painful

Feb 19, 2013
It was pretty good!!!!!!!!!!!!
by: Anonymous

I liked it, it was pretty funny will have to tell my friends about it.

Aug 18, 2011
Never ceases to make me laugh!
by: Anonymous

This is such a great story!!!!

Aug 18, 2011
Top notch!!!
by: Anonymous

Oh my, that one wins...hands down!!! Thanks for making us smile.

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